Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Realization #1

I miss the idea of you but I don’t miss the things I held in.
Like the happiness that was kept down
low because you were having a bad day?
I never told you but I felt guilty if I wasn't battling my depression
while sitting there watching you with yours.
But I do miss the smiles and laughter
even if they were forced because you have such a great smile.
What I don't miss is how you never believed me
when I told you that or when I said that you were beautiful.
And that I loved you which I didn't say often because you
stopped saying it back to me.

I don't miss laying in bed next to you, wanting to touch you
but keeping to myself because I was afraid you'd reject me.
Why was it that you needed to have a drink in order to touch me?
Because that's something I don't miss either.
I don't miss all the apologies I had to say
even though they were needed.
But I was always apologizing for the wrong things.
I lied and kept things in my pocket with loose change
and kept shoving them down

That wasn't right. You deserved better.

I mostly lied about who I was because I knew you
wouldn’t like who I really am.
And because I loved the way I thought you loved me.
Or the me I pretended to be.
And that wasn’t right either.
We weren’t right.
I lied about that too.
The truth is that we should’ve been a moment.
Drunk, caught in the rain.

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