Dreamer

I spent the first half of my life as a dreamer.
I went on adventures with the wind
and floated on the buds of a dandelion,
wandering aimlessly with the wishes of others.
Once I was late to school because I got lost
with the hope of a father coming home.
He never did.

I got too close to the sun when I hitched a ride on a bluebird.
I told him not so high but he didn't listen.
So I spent a few days on the ground under a tree.
I saw two lovers carve their initials into her bark.
She wept for days.
Those scars will never fade but the feelings behind them will.

I had the freedom to dance with the stars
and sleep in the curve of a waning moon.
But when it grew rounder,
I slide off its fullness
and fell into the ground.

The clouds tickled me whenever I went through them.
And then they disappeared on adventures of their own.
They never invited me to join
so I kept on moving too.

I twisted with swirls of smoke,
intoxicated with the beauty
of death escaping from a burning cigarette.

I dug myself into the soil,
pulled the dandelion bud down with me.

We sprouted up to the sky, reborn.

Realization #1

I miss the idea of you but I don’t miss the things I held in.

Like the happiness that was kept down

low because you were having a bad day?

I never told you but I felt guilty if I wasn't battling my depression

while sitting there watching you with yours.

But I do miss the smiles and laughter

even if they were forced because you have such a great smile.

What I don't miss is how you never believed me

when I told you that or when I said that you were beautiful.

And that I loved you which I didn't say often because you

stopped saying it back to me.

I don't miss laying in bed next to you, wanting to touch you

but keeping to myself because I was afraid you'd reject me.

Why was it that you needed to have a drink in order to touch me?

Because that's something I don't miss either.

I don't miss all the apologies I had to say

even though they were needed.

But I was always apologizing for the wrong things.

I lied and kept things in my pocket with loose change

and kept shoving them down

deeper.

That wasn't right. You deserved better.

I mostly lied about who I was because I knew you

wouldn’t like who I really am.

And because I loved the way I thought you loved me.

Or the me I pretended to be.

And that wasn’t right either.

We weren’t right.

I lied about that too.

The truth is that we should’ve been a moment.

Drunk, caught in the rain.

Happy birthday Sylvia Plath!

Today would've been Sylvia Plath's 80th birthday had she not killed herself on February 11, 1963 (just 24 years prior to my birth on that day). So I am sharing one of my favorite pieces of hers "Mad Girl's Love Song."

Mad Girl's Love Song

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

NaPoWriMo Day 30

Final day. Final poem. I can't think of a title at the moment and my head hurts too much to keep trying.  Enjoy.


The cool porcelain cradles my body,
knees pulled tight to my chest
and nails digging into my arms.
The hot water provides protection,
keeps the demons away and hides my tears.

If I stay here,
maybe these feelings will get washed away..

If I just stay here,
maybe the world will go away.

NaPoWriMo Day 29

I woke up next to someone special this morning and after a year, it is still one of the most awesome feelings in the world. I felt good and it was inspiring which is where this poem came from.

Good Morning

Your body lays stretched out,
arms above your head with the sunlight
bursting through the windows.
And I watch your breaths, rise
then fall. I want to curl against you.
Lay my head on your chest and listen
to the sound of your heart beating.
It’s the lullaby that makes me feel safe.
Your arms wrap around my body
and I am home.

NaPoWriMo Day 28

Glowing Red

I set fire to the world and watched it burn.
The flames act without prejudice,
engulfing it all. The good, the bad,
the ugly and the beautiful.
Each crack and pop, every roar
of the blaze is a line in the song.
Make the pain sing
and rise from the ashes anew.

NaPoWriMo Day 27

Daydream

There is no acid on your fingertips
and no poison on your lips.
The distance is what hurts,
the sudden darkness in your eyes.
Words left unspoken, trapped by fear.
A perfect vision in my head:
you in my arms, resting easy.
A dream snuffed by reality.
And I wonder, do you see it too?

NaPoWriMo Day 26

While You Sleep

Waking in the middle of the night,
the light in the corner illuminates shadows.
I lay staring at them as they move slightly.
Stalking me, waiting for my eyes to close
so they can shake me awake again.
And you seem to sleep so soundly.
Your body slightly curled, holding everything in.
Heart protected and thoughts locked up.
My arm reaches out to hold you but freezes.
Drawing it back to my own body,
I go back to watching the shadows
and trying to keep them from touching us.

NaPoWriMo Day 25

Wishes

Reaching for lost breaths
and missing hearts. Digging
through midnight’s sky for escaped dreams.
The glowing time is my North star,
leading me into the darkness
and empty night. Steering me away from home.
Away from what I need and into broken



space.
Haunted by whispers and temptations.
My hands are extended, reaching
for something that keeps slipping between
and drifts even further.
You.

NaPoWriMo Day 24

Riding the Metro

Screaming into a speeding train,
the passengers are escaping with my yells.
Unknowingly, they ride along with the exhausted pain,
talking about one night stands, local sports teams
and workplace drama.

To them, I am just another color in the blur.
But I stand alone, separate from everything
trying to expel the excess.
The overflow of voices in my head
catch a ride on the metro.

NaPoWriMo Day 23

Midnight

Dancing in the past across the cobblestone.
Street lights twinkle and reflect in fountains.
The cool night kisses softly.
But she too will leave and break hearts.

NaPoWriMo Day 21

In Ruin

I want to destroy something beautiful.
Burn it and let the ashes drift away,
fall to the ground like snow.
Each piece is unique, unlike any other.
Delicate with blackened edges,
ready to fall apart at the slightest touch.

NaPoWriMo Day 20

Confession

You weren’t what I expected
but you might’ve been what I needed.
A simple kiss in the rain caught me
off guard and intoxicated my soul.
Under your spell, bewitched
by your dimples every time you smile.
My fingers feel at home on your body.
And I’m homesick when I see the distance
in your eyes.

NaPoWriMo Day 19

Haunted

Curled in a ball to keep my heart
from beating out of my chest.
To keep the darkness from swallowing it.

Still, my subconscious is invaded.
The demons creep and torture me.
Waking in a sweat, staring into nothing
wishing for an easier sleep.

NaPoWriMo Day 18

A Bookshop Love Affair

There was a fat white cat asleep in the corner.
Her snoring in tune with the slow, easy
sounds of blues filling the air.
I saw you staring hard at the rows of books.
Your hair fell across your shoulder,
fingers sliding along the spine
of Hemingway, Kafka, skipping Meyer, back on O’Connor, and Thompson.
Your hand gripped the side of the shelf
and your eyes fluttered shut.
I stood there watching as you inhaled deep.
The breath hanging in your chest,
holding the bookstore’s aroma inside.
A smile crept across your face,
lips stretched out pressing dimples into your cheeks.
Opening your eyes, you looked right at me:
“The smell of books on wooden shelves is intoxicating.”
Standing, paralyzed by your directness,
I just nodded. You glided over to me
then took my hand in yours.
And in the fiction section began our own story.

NaPoWriMo Day 17

Dreaming a Reality

“When I wake up, I have to remember all over again that my dreams are not real and that reality is not a dream.” - Cecelia Ahern

Running in the woods, the smell of wet bark
smacks me in the face and sticks to my skin.
The moon lurks between bare branches,
mocking me from afar.
My footsteps fall heavy,
pressing deeper into the earth.
Searching, desperately seeking
an exit door.
Anything out of this nightmare.
The stars catch my wrists.
A trap. Captured, paralyzed
and wide-eyed waiting for you.
Shake me, take me
from this place.

NaPoWriMo Day 16

Dorian

Staring at the waves breaking,
beautiful and calm crashing down.
The salty air kisses her skin
and stings the cuts.
Sand is cool and wet, thick
between her toes.
Alone with the reflection of the moon,
crystalline stars float on the water.
Her name meant “from the sea”
and she was ready to go home.

NaPoWriMo Day 15

Day 15, the halfway point. To commemorate, a crappy poem about being in the middle.

Purgatory

Halfway between coming
and going.
Floating in a pocket of the unknown.
The past weighs down heavily
and the future thrusts upwards.
Crushed between two extremes.
Love and hate.
Will and fear.
Mania and depression.
Each day is caught
in between.

NaPoWriMo Day 14

From the Start

Her story is told in the lies
she spills from her poisoned red lips.
Every movement is carefully planned,
choreographed for tragedy.
Disconnected


from the start
with a smile that says otherwise.
The moon is crimson at midnight,
a silent omen watching.
“I love you,”
but I’m already gone.

NaPoWriMo Day 13

Love is Deadly

I made the mistake of falling in love.
She was broken and beautiful.
Maybe I could fix her.  Or maybe
she could fix me.
But then I saw the devil
in her eyes through the smoke
coming off the barrel of her gun.